He tossed about
for some time, and when I asked him if he wanted anything, he only
put his hand in mine; a gesture not quite like him, as he is a boy
who is averse to personal caresses or signs of emotion. So I drew
my chair up to the bed, and sate there with the little hot hand in
my own. Maud came up presently; but as he now seemed sound asleep,
we left him in the care of the old nurse, and went down to dinner.
If we only knew what was the matter! I argue with myself how much
unnecessary misery I give myself by anticipating evil; but I cannot
help it; and the weight on my mind grew heavier; half the night I
lay awake, till at last, from sheer weariness, I fell into a sort
of stupor of the senses, which fled from me in the dismal dawn, and
the unmanning hideous fear leapt on me out of the dark, like a
beast leaping upon its prey.
August 11, 1889.
I cannot and dare not write of these days. The child is very ill;
it is some obscure inflammation of the brain-tissue. I had an
insupportable fear that it might have resulted in some way from
being over-pressed in the matter of work, over-stimulated. I asked
the doctor. If he lied to me, and I do not think he did, he lied
like a man, or an angel.
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