This little estate fell to me soon afterwards, and I soon
saw what a tender gift it was, because it gave me a home; every
other source of interest and pleasure was removed, because the
simplest visits, the wildest distractions were too much for me--the
jarring of any kind of vehicle upset me. By what slow degrees I
attained happiness I can hardly say. But now, looking back, I see
this--that whereas others have to learn by hard experience, that
detachment, self-purification, self-control are the only conditions
of happiness on earth, I was detached, purified, controlled by God
Himself. I was detached, because my life was utterly precarious, I
was taught purification and control, because whereas more robust
people can defer and even defy the penalties of luxury, comfort,
gross desires, material pleasures, I was forced, every day and
hour, to deny myself the smallest freedom--I was made ascetic by
necessity. Then came a greater happiness still; for years I was
lost in a sort of individualistic self-absorption, with no thoughts
of anything but God and His concern with myself--often hopeful and
beautiful enough--when I found myself drawn into nearer and dearer
relationships with those around me.
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