But I am going to
overcome such feelings, as they are cowardly and unworthy of me, and
purely the result of education. I am amazed, too, to discover this
weakness in myself.
How sympathetic dear mamma is! I told her about Marah, and she wept
bitterly, and has carried her eyes full of tears ever since. I must
be careful and tell her nothing sad while she is in such a weak state
physically.
I told mamma what the rector said about lying. She coincided with
him that Mrs Adams would have been justified in denying the truth if
she had realised how her daughter was to be affected by this
knowledge. A woman's past belongs only to herself and her God, she
says, unless she wishes to make a confidant. But I cannot agree with
her or the rector. I would want the truth from my parents, however
much it hurt. Many sins which men regard as serious only obstruct
the bridge between our souls and truth. A lie burns the bridge.
I hope I am not uncharitable, yet I cannot conceive of committing an
act through love of any man, which would lower me in his esteem, once
committed. Yet of course I have had little experience in life, with
men, or with temptation. But it seems to me I could not continue to
love a man who did not seek to lead me higher. The moment he stood
before me and asked me to descend, I should realise he was to be
pitied--not adored.
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